Birthing my children has led to the evolution of the woman I am today.

 

The birth of my first child, Charlotte, transformed me into a mother in the eyes of our society. But while her birth elated me at the same time it devastated me. She was born by emergency caesarean section.

 

From my diary entries after her birth,

 

(A few weeks after her birth) “I feel somewhat numb and cheated by the experience. I need to convalesce, I can’t drive, do housework or any heavy activities. I am healing physically each day. I look at my daughter and I love her to bits but it will take time for me to come to grips with the events that led to her birth.”

 

(Sixteen months after her birth) “Yes, the medico’s would be pleased. On the outside I am a well-healed mother. BUT they cannot see the inside. And in fact my GP shifts uncomfortably in her seat when I try to explain the source of my depression and my fierce need for answers. You see there is a vicious, oozing wound on my soul. Sixteen months later and there is little evidence of healing. The discharge is often purulent and as the infection sets in the pain becomes unbearable. It sends me into days of unhappiness, where nothing my partner can say or do is right. His touch can make my skin crawl. The very thought of conceiving another child makes me want to push him away.

My saving grace is the smile my daughter so cheekily gives with a twinkle in her eye, her gorgeous cackle of laughter. My daughter is like a soothing cream on my soul. I am so fortunate that for some reason my mind has been able to divorce my beautiful baby girl from the most traumatic event in my thirty years of life – her birth.”

 

(Two and a half years after her birth) “I had four midwives in the 20 hours that I laboured in hospital and a registrar, that I was never to see again, delivered my first child into the world. I had to see a GP I hardly knew at the medical clinic I attended (I had had all my antenatal care at the birth centre) for my six week post natal check up because the birth centre couldn’t do my check up after I had had a caesarean (I felt like I had been “dumped”!) To their credit the birth centre allowed me to come in for a “debrief” but this ended up being with one of the midwives that I didn’t know and involved her going over my hospital history with me in less then half an hour – I didn’t feel very “debriefed”. After some early problems with nipple thrush, Charlotte and I thrived on our lovely breastfeeding relationship (I got that right!) but a year after her birth I was not a happy mummy.

 

Much soul searching, emotional upheaval and Internet surfing led me to discover VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Caesarian), Birthrites in WA, MIPP’s and Maternity Coalition in Victoria. After burying my nose in books, journals and the net, attending numerous Choices for Childbirth information evenings, talking to midwives, seeing a counsellor for a birth debrief, and explaining to my husband on more then one occasion why I felt so “ripped off and angry” (my baby had been cut from my body!), I felt I had the knowledge and empowerment to birth beautifully. One of the most important things missing from Charlotte’s birth was continuity of care – having someone that knew me to assist me and guide me through normal birth.

 

Thank God my relationship with my husband survived those six months.”

 

My second pregnancy ended early in a miscarriage and my third pregnancy saw me booking in with a private midwife for my “beautiful and empowering” VBAC. Everything was going smoothly until the early weeks of my second trimester. The ultrasound revealed all – identical twin boys affected by twin to twin transfusion syndrome – a disorder of the shared placenta whereby one twin receives too much blood from the placenta at the expense of the other twin.

 

From my diary at the time,

 

(March 2002, two weeks prior to the boys’ birth) “My boys will be born by caesarean section – it is the safest way for them to be born with this condition. My dream of a low intervention, natural birth with my husband and gorgeous midwife supporting me at home has vanished. I have grieved a little over the loss of this dream. Despite this pregnancy becoming the most medicalised planned homebirth in the history of homebirths, I still have the continued support of my midwife.

 

For all the grief and stress, Pete and I have continued to make informed decisions throughout and our medical team members have respected us for our beliefs and our decisions. And importantly, despite all the different specialists involved, I have had the continuity of care that I so desperately missed with my first pregnancy and birth.

 

The Dr asked me the other day if after all I have been through, had I changed my opinion of medical intervention in birth. My reply – I would make the exact same choices in my next pregnancy if it were normal as I did at the beginning of this pregnancy. Medical technology is currently prolonging this pregnancy and will hopefully see the birth of two beautiful baby boys into our family. This is when we need medical technology – when things go outside the range of normal, and for that I am so thankful that we have the best people guiding us through this mine field.

 

Am I concerned that I will become depressed after all this is over, no matter what the outcomes for our boys and our family? A little. But I feel that all the soul searching and turmoil I went through after my first caesar has not been in vain. It has made me stronger to face this current crisis and has given me the strength to ask questions, seek knowledge and become empowered. Twin to twin transfusion syndrome is a freak event. I had and continue to have no control over it. It kills me to know that my boys are at continued risk of dying or severe disability and that the risks to them after they are born prematurely of ongoing problems are very high. But at nineteen weeks, Pete and I felt we needed to give them every reasonable chance and we feel that we are.”

 

“Known caregivers, continuity of care, medical technology when needed and, importantly the knowledge and support of a wise-woman (midwife) who is “with-woman” in pregnancy and birth. This is what I have. This is what I so desperately needed and sought after my first birth.”

 

Max and Oliver were born at 28 weeks gestation and as much as the circumstances of their birth were devastating, I had some control over their birth – my fears and concerns were heard and acknowledged by my care givers, who knew me and my family. Oliver lived six days before he died in our arms from the effects of TTTS and prematurity. Max our surviving twin son is a healthy, vibrant two year old.

 

I had always wanted four children and within days of the boys’ birth I was talking about having another child, but I knew my family needed time to grieve for our little Ollie and time to get over the turmoil of the twins’ birth and hospitalization.

 

I met with a doctor who I knew was pro VBAC to gain a “medical” opinion. I was reassured. I didn’t hesitate to contact the same midwife who was with us for the boys’ pregnancy. I knew that it was a healthy singleton pregnancy and I was not concerned that I would go into premature labour as the boys’ had been born electively. I distracted myself with the renovations we were doing to our house. My biggest fear was that we would not have a “home” for our homebirth!

 

At 38 weeks I told the builder that I was moving back into the house in one week’s time, no matter what! The floorboards were still curing and most of the walls were unpainted as we moved back into our home. I had a functional kitchen and bathroom so I figured we were OK!

 

On the morning early labour started, Pete set up the birth pool in our bedroom. By evening the contractions were more intense and closer together. On and off all night I laboured; staying active and upright.

 

I was uncomfortable all the next day and could not rest lying down; the contractions were regular but not intensifying or progressing. By dinner time I was a little dejected. The kids were brought home after their dinners and put to bed The contractions felt deeper in my pelvis but I was convinced they were going nowhere. I told myself that if this kept up for another night I was driving myself to the hospital and demanding a caesar!

 

I called the midwife again: “I need to know what to do!” “Get back into the pool; turn off the lights with just you and Pete in the room. Shut the door and put on some music.. With every contraction imagine that baby coming down into your pelvis and you opening up”. She wasn’t coming yet, but I knew what I had to do to birth this baby I grabbed the CD Enya and went to my room.

 

I turned myself into the corner of the pool (having previously laboured facing out into the room), closed my eyes and connected with my baby. Pete lay on the bed next to me. Each contraction was more intense. I was opening up. BOOM! My body felt like it catapulted across the pool as my waters broke. Pete rang the midwife. A few more contractions and BANG! My body crunched downwards and I wanted to push. Pete rang the midwife – she was on her way. I was on the most intense steam train ride of my life – heading at full steam and I had no control. I had to go with it because if I resisted there was more pain By this time Pete was in the pool behind me. It took over an hour (it felt like half that time) but finally I had the baby’s head down on my perineum. Feeling his head being born was amazing and took the most almighty and sustained contraction. Touching the hard, round but velvety little head as he waited for me to push his body out was surreal. With the next push, his little body slithered out into the water and I felt every contour of his body leave my body with an amazing rush. Huge, round eyes stared into mine and I was in love. I brought him to my chest with the greatest relief. I had birthed my baby. He mewed and started to breathe. Not a cry passed his lips. He was serene. The moments after his birth are etched in my memory forever. An hour later we were tucked up in bed with a cuppa and birthday cake made by grandma (at my request earlier on Friday morning!).

 

I lived on the adrenalin of baby James’ birth for at least the first six weeks of his life. I was very aware of all that was going on around me, unlike my other births. I have been like a wild animal – eyes wide and senses alert.

I am rolling with the ins and outs of mothering three young children. I have been extremely blessed to have very supportive family and friends and this has made a world of difference.

 

Natural birth when given time, space, love and trust is amazing. I know that in a medicalized system of care I would not have birthed James as I was able to do with my midwife. She trusted birth, she trusted my body to birth and she trusted that my baby would be born naturally.

 

From my diary

 

(October 2004) “Known caregivers, continuity of care, medical technology when needed and, importantly the knowledge and support of a wise-woman (midwife) who is “with-woman” in pregnancy and birth. This is what I have been privileged to have.”

 

Taken from Autumn 2009 issue